Unnatural Porn Thrillers
13 June 2002
It's a Man Only debut today for Suzi, 23, from Epping. She's a dentist's assistant and part-time student. We'd certainly like to teach her a thing or two; mind you, as you can see from these red-hot pictures, she's already well familiar with the phrase 'Open wide'!
Funny as it may seem, I'm still undecided about porn. Not on moral grounds - I don't imagine the girls get too upset about the fact that they're being paid good money for stripping down to their bare essentials to exploit sad desperate weak men - but I'm just not sure it always does the job it's meant to.
Take these pictures, for example. A pretty girl, untouched by gravity, lying/kneeling/spread-eagled on the floor/bed/table in various states of undress - that should do the trick for me. Especially considering a Beckham free kick gets me pretty bloody aroused, the way things are going at the moment in my love life. But sometimes I see those photos and just get an empty feeling, pure nothingness (emotionally and physically, which is generally a disappointment), and have to just switch the light off and go to sleep.
The same goes for videos. My student flatmate's got some terrible stuff (he once confided to me he likes 'scenes with lots of spuffing on faces', which was a charming way to put it), but it's just done nothing for me. Even the Channel 5-style soft porn rubbish we get on Fox Kids late at night isn't doing the trick. Gutting.
It's a real loss to me. I can still remember the excitement of truly stimulating material, the thrill of snatching an illicit magazine or book from a mate's room, of secreting it about your person and trying to walk without it showing. That's the fun of boarding school, anyway - normal people have very different memories, I'm sure. Railway sidings and parks spring to mind. But the material itself was newer, fresher, more exciting. Where did it go wrong?
Well, of course there was the novelty of nudity back then. Now, it's not the most delicate expression, but the fact is, you've seen one, you've seen them all. And the ones you haven't seen are probably a bit freakish. Like this one with a piercing, or this one that's just the wrong size and shape all together. Bizarre. But generally, it's a case of no alarms and no surprises. Plus, it goes without saying that there's a big difference between just seeing something and having the opportunity to interact with it. You can never go back with the same enthusiasm to a few sheets of stain-resistant glossy paper.
And I guess that, despite obvious efforts to the contrary, I have matured. Back then, a silicone-enhanced 19 year-old with nothing on but scarlet lipstick, strappy heels and half a pair of knickers was just what I was looking for. Now, I'd probably get bored by our lack of common interests and go out with a librarian instead. God, I sound like an old twat. I've even been through a phase of fancying redheads above all other colours; originally I thought that fiery meant good in the sack, but I've come to realise I wanted someone who could stand up for themselves. Bizarre. Luckily though, I saw Julianne Moore's freckles and milk-white skin in Boogie Nights and was soon back to my normal self.
But don't worry - there is hope for me. Every time I think I'm being led down the path of pornless maturity, something comes along that restores my faith in all that is depraved or even just slightly wrong. I just received the best ever gift in the post, a blast from the past in more ways than one. Some of you may remember Dannii Minogue posing for Australian Playboy back in 1995; I know I do. One picture made up the single best Page Three in history, so much so that we kept it in our common room for about eight months until the actress-turned-songstress had turned a funny shade of mauve. Well, a thoughtful friend, aware of my current plight, decided that regression was the best way forward and sent me the whole magazine to cure me of my sickness. I'll let you know how it goes. Shouldn't take long.