Smoke Signals

8 January 2001
Dan's goin' to the chapel...

A man walks into a crematorium. Ouch. It was an iron crematorium,

 
Please sit

which probably wouldn't be a terribly good idea, all things considered, ceteris paribus and that, since an iron crematorium would heat up pretty quickly iron being a good conductor of heat, so things would get uncomfortable, and sitting would just make it worse and here's something else - when they said cardboard coffin, I'd sort of assumed that it would be your regular coffin, but made of a slightly more lightweight material - more environmentally friendly, sure, but essentially a black thing with a little bit of dignitas and when I arrive here's something that looks like it was last used to transport bottles of wine for fuck's sake it didn't even have that angular entasis, the outward swell to make a proper coffin shape, it was just rectangular

 
Please stand

and do they really burn the proper balls-out mahogany coffins, which just seems so unlikely - you spend a thousand pounds on something that exists for a couple of days, then gets burned I bet they tip the occupants out into a big heap, fry them and send the coffins back to the undertakers, bit of brass polish and you've got a sweet scam going on there probably hasn't been a coffin made new since 1970 except for accidental breakages I guess and those things are pretty sturdy, which makes it even less probable they aren't recycled but even if that's a reasonable idea save the planet and everything it's completely fucking unreasonable not to tell people you should at least have the right to choose new or used

 
Please sing

or paper or plastic and assuming they do keep cadaver and coffin together as the flames rise up then what you're getting in the antiseptic plastic urn is basically always going to be a good part wood or cardboard or glass if you're Sleeping Beauty and somebody gets a bit overenthusiastic they used to put bell pulls in crypts in case someone made a mistake but I never did find out where the bell rang - what if your family moved or what if it rang in the priest's house or the undertakers' offices and they just couldn't be bothered although on reflection it would probably be just outside the door which all sounds a little random for my tastes but then again would you rather be alive in a crypt or dead in a crypt you choose on the bright side no danger of that with cremation you either are or are not a pile of ash

 
Please sit

except that's not quite true though; there's no way in Hell they're going to do each one individually, surely - just pile them all up at the end of the day or whenever, stack them if they're still in coffins, and go Johnny go so when you scatter the ashes you're not actually scattering the loved one, or not just the loved one, anyway, you've got a whole bunch of granular hitchhikers, not to mention a couple of planks of coffin (arguably), all of which must make urns just party central

 
Please pray

then when you take into account the four feuding family tribes in here, all intend on scattering a portion of the one who fell down into fell or down or onto the sea or into someone's petrol tank you're looking at attenuated afterlife eternity heaven and hell scattered and spread into immortal fog age shall not wither them nor anything but severe gusts endanger not good not good at all, but maybe better than a decomposing body in the gilded city what's that Edward Bond play it'll come to me no hyperlinks in heaven or in crematoria although the cybercrematorium's a good idea whose time has come

 
Please leave

look into it sometime tomorrow maybe, now it's time to get a little rest; it's been an exhausting couple of days and everyone's tense.

Time to relax.

Just keep thinking.

As long as you're thinking, it isn't you. It can't be.

Keep thinking.