It's All True - The Paper Says So

24 May 2001
James lives in headline heaven.

After his brief spell of international acclaim as the 'new James Dean', actor Mickey Rourke has hit hard times. He went back to ply his hand at his original trade, prize fighting, but suffered a series of injuries that meant he could no longer enter the ring. He now leads a very modest life in New York, anonymous to the crowds, his best friend being Hank 'Monkey' Jackson, 47, a car mechanic. His lavish past has left its mark financially, and the creditors are now tightening the metaphorical noose. This, on top of a pathological inability to accept his failure and put his star-studded past behind him, led to an eating disorder and he almost doubled his body weight in four months. The only thing that reminds you now that this huge poorly-clothed slob was once a respected actor and heartthrob to a generation of college students is the wry crooked smile that won so many over. This tragic story has taken a turn for the better over the past months. Hank, seeing his friend needed something to give his life focus, got Mickey a job in a nearby cutlery wholesaler as a sales manager. Mickey now says that once he has paid off his debts, he will try to lose all the weight and re-enter Hollywood through the back door. This man's saga continues.

Corker! Rourke's a New Yorker fork hawker porker

Little is now known of the scandal surrounding a junior minister in the War Office during the late nineteenth century. Many men of fighting age were sent thousands of miles away from home to do battle Michael Caine-style against thousands of rampaging Zulus. There was increasing discontent at home as stories gradually returned home of the brutal and graphic savagery suffered on both sides, not least of the ritual disemboweling of captured prisoners. The minister in question, one Cecil Hoare, 53, was caught by police in the act of orally stimulating a rather exotic and popular lady of the night of Native American origin, one Nelly Raging-Face. He had recently received the nation's sympathy after fracturing his mandible in a freak baking accident. Naturally, these risque actions reflected poorly on his department, and public approval for the military effort was greatly damaged.

Phwoar! Bore Hoare on the floor gnawing the squaw with 'sore jaw'. The Law saw and tore down the adored whore's door. Furor over the Boer War. Nation shaken to the core - gore galore.

A bizarre story from the sub-continent: About fifty or so miles outside the town of Nagpur, India lies the small hamlet of Sevegram which recently witnessed a scandal that rocked the local establishment and revealed bizarre, although quite cruel, local customs. The local economy relies almost exclusively on the expansive mung bean plantation that surrounds the village. Naturally, this situation leads to a high level of corruption between the plantation owners, the local government office, and the suppliers. Caught in the middle of all this are the local Sevegramese, being paid a pittance of their loyal labour, and sometimes, if the crop is bad, not paid at all and beaten for their trouble. The trouble came when a crafty businessman moved to the village and saw an opportunity for an easy buck. After the terrible droughts of 1994 and 1995, followed by the floods of the subsequent year, the harvest was ruined and the plantation was running at a loss. The businessman, who must remain nameless as he is still in hospital, owner of the ladder factory in Najpur, wanted to buy the plantation for a pittance and monopolise the region's bean production. This type of deal, as it affects so many rural lives, requires official approval from Najpur province, and so the necessary hands were grease to seal the deal. All appeared to be going smoothly until the businessman let slip his plans to fully automate the farm with new machinery, and flatten the village (which would be on his land) to make room for more mung during a drunken frog golfing afternoon. Word soon got to Sevegram, and the locals decided to punish the businessman the old-fashioned way. They stormed his house in the middle of the night, dragged him outside and staked him naked and spread-eagled in one of his fields, wedged his mouth open and tied cord tight around the base of his tongue. He was discovered by helicopter two days later, but the tongue could not be saved.

Loose tongue wrung, after rungmonger's mung bung.