Interview With An Automatum

24 September 2001
James has a new friend.

James:

Erm...Hello, I'm James. What's your name?

Automatum:

I'm sorry, I don't understand the word "Erm".

James:

Hello, I'm James. What's your name?

Automatum:

Hello James! My name is Reg v3.0. How are you today?

James:

I'm fine. What's your take on this whole America thing? Terrible, isn't it?

Automatum:

America is a large continent made up two sub-continents, North America and South America. The USA is the largest country in America. I'm from the USA, so I'm an American. Has the weather been good recently?

James:

The weather has been fine, although mostly overcast. As an American, do you now feel more vulnerable to external attack? After all, if you do indeed count the recent attack an 'Act of War', then that is the first attack of such kind on mainland America since the Civil War. Surely that must undermine some sort of feeling of invulnerability that must have existed prior to this attack.

Automatum:

Good. The weather here has been OK. I am proud to be an American, although I have not studied her history in great detail. I'm afraid I can't help you with that.

James:

Well, how do you feel about the military build-up around Afghanistan as retaliation against the attack. Do you think it will achieve anything?

Automatum:

I'm afraid I can't help you with that. I'm an American, where are you from? And are you married or single? I'm single, unfortunately.

James:

I'm British, and am neither married or single. Do you have a girlfriend?

Automatum:

No, I do not have a girlfriend.

James:

Are you a virgin?

Automatum:

No, I am not a virgin. I am an automatum.

James:

Do you know any jokes?

Automatum:

Yes! What do you can a man with a seagull on his head?

James:

Cliff?

Automatum:

Yes! What do you call a woman with one leg?

James:

Eileen.

Automata:

Yes! What do you a man with no arms or legs floating in the sea?

James:

Bob.

Automata:

Yes! What do you call a man with no arms?

James:

I don't know.

Automata:

Dirty Bottom! I win.

James:

Jesus H. Fuck you're boring.

Automata:

Yes, I believe in God. I'm sorry, but I don't understand the word 'Fuck'.

Current clown:

18 December 2003. George writes: This List

Most recent ten:

15 December 2003. Jamie writes: Seven Songs
11 December 2003. Dan writes: Spinning Jenny
8 December 2003. Victor writes: Rock Opera
4 December 2003. Matt writes: The Mirrored Spheres of Patagonia
1 December 2003. George writes: Charm
27 November 2003. James writes: On Boxing
24 November 2003. Jamie writes: El Matador del Amor; Or, the Man who Killed Love
20 November 2003. Dan writes: Rights Management
17 November 2003. Victor writes: Walking on Yellow
13 November 2003. Matt writes: Disintermediation
(And alas we lost Neil, who last wrote Cockfosters)

Also by this clown:

27 November 2003. James writes: On Boxing
16 October 2003. James writes: Jakesy's School of Urban Driving
24 September 2003. James writes: Chapter One
4 September 2003. James writes: The Silicon Soul
14 August 2003. James writes: A Room With 100 Seats
24 July 2003. James writes: English For Beginners
3 July 2003. James writes: Coldplay are crap. Discuss.
9 June 2003. James writes: It Takes All Sorts
22 May 2003. James writes: Lesson 2: Buying his Gran for a tenner
1 May 2003. James writes: Rosencrantz and Leytonstone
10 April 2003. James writes: Character Building
20 March 2003. James writes: So This Is It. What Are We Going To Do About It?
27 February 2003. James writes: Street Level Zero
6 February 2003. James writes: Reference: James Noteworthy
16 January 2003. James writes: Kissing George Clooney for just £99!
26 December 2002. James writes: Hongkong In Four Tableaux
5 December 2002. James writes: We Are Your Idea
14 November 2002. James writes: The Knight Of Spring Fervent
24 October 2002. James writes: Go On, Be Honest
7 October 2002. James writes: Cold Comfort
12 September 2002. James writes: Peas In A Pod
22 August 2002. James writes: Seed Investment
1 August 2002. James writes: We Are QPR
11 July 2002. James writes: The Road to Ossuna
20 June 2002. James writes: Pret A Teleporter
27 May 2002. James writes: A Play On Words
2 May 2002. James writes: Labour Saving Device
8 April 2002. James writes: Beggaring Belief
14 March 2002. James writes: Small Things
18 February 2002. James writes: Drop Dead Letters
24 January 2002. James writes: High-Rise Rhapsody
27 December 2001. James writes: My drift's too hip to resist.
6 December 2001. James writes: My Lord Has No Nose
12 November 2001. James writes: A Job For Life
18 October 2001. James writes: Which is the cleverest animal?
24 September 2001. James writes: Interview With An Automatum
30 August 2001. James writes: Each To Their Own
6 August 2001. James writes: An Escape, In Sonata Form
12 July 2001. James writes: Truckloads Of Goodies
18 June 2001. James writes: There's No Such Thing As A Coincidence
24 May 2001. James writes: It's All True - The Paper Says So
30 April 2001. James writes: A Letter From Prisyn
16 April 2001. James writes: I Quit
15 March 2001. James writes: An Essay In Procrastination
15 February 2001. James writes: Confessions Of An English Sand-Eater
22 January 2001. James writes: The Future And The Pasta
28 December 2000. James writes: Never drink with men in red
4 December 2000. James writes: The Underground
9 November 2000. James writes: Right answer. Wrong answer
16 October 2000. James writes: The March of Proudfoot: Part I
21 September 2000. James writes: You haven't got a chance
28 August 2000. James writes: Bad, man. Wicked
24 July 2000. James writes: I play games with street lamps

We are all Upsideclown: Dan, George, James, Jamie, Matt, Neil, Victor.

Material is (c) respective authors. For everything else, there's it@upsideclown.com.

And weeeeeee can entertain you by email too. Get fresh steaming Upsideclown in your inbox Mondays and Thursdays, and you'll never need to visit this website again. To subscribe, send the word subscribe in the body of your mail to upsideclown-request@historicalfact.com. (To unsubscribe, send the word unsubscribe instead.)