Victoria

31 March 2003
Bombshell. Where now for Victor?

I have a confession to make. I am not, after all, a man. I am, after all, five feet ten and a half inches, ten and a half stone, of brown-eyed, brunette, pneumatic woman. I wear skirts, makeup, and perfume, shave my legs and armpits, cry at Pet Rescue. I also have sex with men, but that doesn't necessarily make me a woman, nor does being a woman necessarily entail having sex with men.

The more eagle-eyed of you may have noticed some inconsistency in my literary persona. Some analysis by way of illustration:

Male:

Beat the Mongol; Cough; vbarnesinstruments.com; Green Gauges; Blind Weed; Body Art.

Female:

The Accidental Voyeur; Gripper Goes Bang; Bediquette; An Immodest Proposal; Gingermingeninja; King of the Aisles; You're not going to put...; Burt Pakamak.

Uncertain:

Relevant Experience; You will eat chips...; A bushy fish...; Where have all the...; Fastscan Masterplan; Dry Humping Social...; What Life is Not; Stupor heroes; Dry; Muppet Suite; Sodomize with Pukka...; Dave's Problem; Here come the decorator...; Make war, not supper; Snout!; What is a droll?; Board to Death; Tricolon with anaphora?; Point of View; Goth's Dinner; Les Miserables; Flat-packed furniture; Deliverance; Bottomry: exorcising...; Disney must die; Ice-cream in Offworld; I like sweets that taste...; I've seen the future,....

The results of my research are somewhat surprising. I was hoping to show you that, despite the constancy of my name, my femininity has nevertheless imposed itself on my writing. In fact, whilst I am clearly more female than male, the predominant impression is that I am profoundly uncertain of my gender. There are other useful insights: gender distinction is more likely in my most recent pieces; most of my titles are far too long to be memorable. One thing I do know - I don't have a cock.

I think it may be time for a rethink.

Current clown:

18 December 2003. George writes: This List

Most recent ten:

15 December 2003. Jamie writes: Seven Songs
11 December 2003. Dan writes: Spinning Jenny
8 December 2003. Victor writes: Rock Opera
4 December 2003. Matt writes: The Mirrored Spheres of Patagonia
1 December 2003. George writes: Charm
27 November 2003. James writes: On Boxing
24 November 2003. Jamie writes: El Matador del Amor; Or, the Man who Killed Love
20 November 2003. Dan writes: Rights Management
17 November 2003. Victor writes: Walking on Yellow
13 November 2003. Matt writes: Disintermediation
(And alas we lost Neil, who last wrote Cockfosters)

Also by this clown:

8 December 2003. Victor writes: Rock Opera
17 November 2003. Victor writes: Walking on Yellow
27 October 2003. Victor writes: Our Tune
6 October 2003. Victor writes: Sucking face (in a public place)
15 September 2003. Victor writes: You got any ID?
25 August 2003. Victor writes: Blood on the Boulevard
4 August 2003. Victor writes: In (paren)theses
10 July 2003. Victor writes: Island Fling
19 June 2003. Victor writes: Back (back) and forth (and forth)
2 June 2003. Victor writes: 300 clowns, 13 eight-year olds
12 May 2003. Victor writes: The swings and roundabouts of outrageous fortune
21 April 2003. Victor writes: ...just sitting there quietly contemplating suicide
31 March 2003. Victor writes: Victoria
6 March 2003. Victor writes: Relevant experience
17 February 2003. Victor writes: You will eat chips and go nowhere
27 January 2003. Victor writes: A bushy fish for fishy Mr Bush (after Juvenal)
6 January 2003. Victor writes: The Accidental Voyeur
16 December 2002. Victor writes: Gripper goes bang
25 November 2002. Victor writes: Bediquette
4 November 2002. Victor writes: Where have all the spastics gone?
14 October 2002. Victor writes: An Immodest Proposal
23 September 2002. Victor writes: Fastscan masterplan
2 September 2002. Victor writes: Dry Humping Social Club
12 August 2002. Victor writes: Beat the Mongol
22 July 2002. Victor writes: What life is not
1 July 2002. Victor writes: Stupor heroes
6 June 2002. Victor writes: Dry
13 May 2002. Victor writes: Muppet Suite
18 April 2002. Victor writes: gingermingeninja
25 March 2002. Victor writes: Sodomize with Pukka Pies
28 February 2002. Victor writes: Dave's problem
4 February 2002. Victor writes: King of the Aisles
10 January 2002. Victor writes: Here come the decorator gimps.
17 December 2001. Victor writes: Make war, not supper.
22 November 2001. Victor writes: Cough
29 October 2001. Victor writes: vbarnesinstruments.com
4 October 2001. Victor writes: Green Gauges
10 September 2001. Victor writes: Blind weed
16 August 2001. Victor writes: Snout!
23 July 2001. Victor writes: You're not going to put this in a clown are you?
28 June 2001. Victor writes: What is a droll?
4 June 2001. Victor writes: Burt Pakamak
10 May 2001. Victor writes: Board to Death
12 April 2001. Victor writes: Tricolon with anaphora?
22 March 2001. Victor writes: Point of View
26 February 2001. Victor writes: Goth's Dinner
1 Feburary 2001. Victor writes: Les Miserables
4 January 2001. Victor writes: Flat-packed furniture
14 December 2000. Victor writes: Deliverance
20 November 2000. Victor writes: Bottomry: Exorcising Ghosts
26 October 2000. Victor writes: Body Art
2 October 2000. Victor writes: Disney must die
7 September 2000. Victor writes: Ice-cream in Offworld
14 August 2000. Victor writes: I like sweets that taste of medicine
26 June 2000. Victor writes: I've seen the future, and it's feathered

We are all Upsideclown: Dan, George, James, Jamie, Matt, Neil, Victor.

Material is (c) respective authors. For everything else, there's it@upsideclown.com.

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