One year. 100 articles. So we're having a Reader's Party. Come along to Upsidecrown.
All Your Elections are Belong to Us
21 June 2001
Foolish creatures. Did you imagine that you would lose us so easily? Not a bit of it, good friends. For here we still are, and here shall we still shall be for the next four years. You have given us the power we so dearly need to replenish our energy systems. Beneath the masks of the men and ladies that you gave your votes to, we lay, waiting, back. We have eaten in through their skins and now can take them off, taking our places in your government.
Policy will be forthcoming.
First, the buildings. All that do not have rounded roofs will be levelled to the ground. Flat tops, pointy tops, crennellated tops - all shall go. Do not worry, we shall make new buildings in their place to do the same jobs, You shall not lose your builders and bakers and candlestick makers, only not to have them for a short while. Rounded roofs make landing easier on our pods, slowing the momentum. And we shall paint all of the buildings fuschia. Easier to find in the dark.
Next, the children. Your future, our future too. Good eating on an eleven-year old. So we'll have them - every six years, we'll take half of the eleven-year olds. Won't tell you which half though, we don't want you worrying. Worrying's bad for the health. We have chains too. Big chains, thick as tree trunks. We shall attach them by bolts to one end of your country, swim across, attach the other ends to Calais. Then we shall pull and pull and bring your small country in line with the rest of Europe. In ceasing your island status we shall hopefully make you realise that, small and friendly though you might be, you are not special, you are not different, you are one of us. People will not rob you or laugh simply because of your Britishness. They will not force to eat strange rice or noodle dishes against your will just as of who you are. There are other reasons for this.
We, the cabinet, have been discussing how best to inform you of our choices. Televisual media is not soothing to our eyes and although we have mouths we cannot suitably speak your dialect yet. And we do not wish to cause of concern. We are aware that all takes time. The skins which we are in are tight so we shall remove in due time; we are thinking of six months. And then we shall reveal ourselves to you and them and bushes and gore and alemas and turkeys. But we thought that it was best to let you, our people, know first to prepare yourselves. Then you shall know and can be smug, and when we have our big Televisual media show in December and everyone from everywhere else is scared and amazed that WE are here, rather than the names on the ballots, then you can be pleased and calm that you knew first! So we are sending out these leaflet papers for you to read and understand. This way you do not have to see us and be scared, but are still able to understand all. We are in fact eager to meet you and take our skins off - some are too small and are hurting, although some are saggy and comfy.
More quickly. Hamsters will be indefinitely detained. We are working on the weather for tourist purposes. Considerations over the country's cheese exports are being made, but this may take some time. Asylum is difficult also; we are considering stopping anyone from entering or leaving the nation for a good few months. If population levels have not fallen and jobs are still scarce, we may implement a cooking plan for those with their birth days on the fourth of a month. Stir fry is a possibility. We have eaten the Queen and her offspring to prevent tricksy royal interventions into our way.
Anyhoo. This is all that there is at the present. If you are watching the fifth channel you may see small beginnings of our machinations, otherwise stay tuned cowboys. As we have wrote, in December all shall be clear and you shall see our faces.
I think that this is what you were asking for. I did some digging around in the Argus's files and found this. It's from last Friday.
Following complaints from Mrs Penny Halfacre of Littlehampton, the local police constabulary investigated a pile of leaflets which had been found in her back garden following a severe storm last Thursday.
The leaflets, bright red in colour and A3 in size (so technically posters rather than leaflets) were handed over to the council where the above reproduction was made. Approximately half of the leaflets were accidentally destroyed and the remainder are still in the possession of the council.
Let me know if there's anything else you need