How to Bring Us in Line With the Future
11 September 2003
Firstly: Black text on green screens. Remember this? The original, old-school way of reading, programming and making nice with your little box of technology. Currently usurped by either white on black (to indicate the nearness to the technology involved) or black on white (to fox the viewer into a mindset of reading printed paper). We need reminding, to be shown the proximity of the amazing digital wonder that we interface with, not bludgeoned into thinking that the screen and the chips and the coding are the flat, boxy equivalent of the newspaper. The green/black combo is also apparantly the best for reading text, and not some of-the-future innovation of chlorophyll and electricity. Incidentally, did you know that the changing colours of mobile phone lights - green then blue then orange then white - has bugger all to do with the newer shinier techy stuff inside them and more to do with the changing prices of the LEDs lighting them. Oh yes. Next - casings for said techy wonders should be white. Whoever predicted that come the millennium we would all be covered in shiny white outer casings was halfway there. People are too scared of spilling tomato soup over their trousers to cope with white fabrics, but you can wipe a computer! (Although the tomato soup may not help the poor baby's wirey insides). Black casing smacks of the eighties, of the Terminator's jacket, of MEN who are REAL MEN who wear LEATHER and use BLACK COMPUTERS. Silver is all a bit bored advertising boi stocking up on the shininess. Not to denigrate the shininess but glowing white, shiny white has all of the sping of silver and none of the Barbarella. And, y'know, it could have silver trimmings. Also, tweed. Yes, tweed. This isn't some Hoxton twatesque argument that old skool is nu school, or that what goes around comes around. Listen - many depictions of the future show shiny-bonced humans prancing around in white and silver and sometimes neon, supping on brightly coloured drinks, listening to either industrial techno or blooping beepy noises. We have established that very few people either of the future or now will be seen dead in said colours, and the brightly coloured drinks began with the advent of alcopops. Moreover, despite rumours of the disposable consumer culture gone mad, tweed is the natural offspring of the craze for all things lycra and nylon. Made of wool, it is organic and biodegradable. It is also bloody sturdy, lasting through bioterrorist attacks, squid wrestling (the popular sport of the future) and global warming. Thus far limited to suits, tweed summer dresses and shorts are truly the way forward. Finally, squid wrestling. See above.
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